On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There's even glitter on my cock...
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