I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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