you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
