i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just found a bag of teeth...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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