Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
