shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
