take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
