Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
