There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The air taste purple.
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