My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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