I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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