DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
