A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
