She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
