I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
