I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Welp...herpes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
