Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
