i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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