I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
