you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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