they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
