Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
