why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
