sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize