i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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