I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
