I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
