I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize