You can't special order awesome
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He? As in you personified your dick?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
