I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
