This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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