Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
