I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
As shirtless as possible
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
