She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
