She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
