just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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