the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
