i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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