Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
