Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
