I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
