I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
