My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
