end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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