he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
