he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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