no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize