and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
