How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
