Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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