I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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