We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
