Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
