My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
