dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
