Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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