she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
