I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
