I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
