what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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