So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
